fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
