I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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