I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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