My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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