my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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