Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
