For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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