It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
