Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
