I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
