He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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