I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
