That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
