I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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