FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
