I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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