All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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