So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
