We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
