Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
