Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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