My Higher Power is John Stamos
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
