My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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