trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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