I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
