Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
