You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
