Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
