6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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