My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
