her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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