the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
