well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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