fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
