I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
