maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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