I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so explain again why im purple
no
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
