I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
