my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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