The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
