He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
even my farts smell like vagina
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
