Can i not drive my cunt home
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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