Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
