I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
