I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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