Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
