Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
4 words: hood of his car
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I want to fling myself into the sun
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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