There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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