when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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