John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I AM VODKA MAN
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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