Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
