apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
