If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm getting married
To pizza
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
