Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
