what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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