I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
