I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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