It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You ruined the universe
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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