God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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