So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
